Dear Sweet Ava,

It has been 5 months since you left us. How the time has flown. So much has been going on. On your Birthday on August 3rd, your Mommy, Daddy, and Hunter all had a Birthday party for you, with a beautiful cake. I thought it was a nice idea, although we did not go to the party. We thought that time should be for your family alone together. It is the most difficult thing in the world losing a child. It makes people do strange, new things. I am not saying it is wrong, just saying it happens. Your Mom and Dad and Hunter have moved to an acreage. They could not stand the memories of the house in Manson without you there with them. Plus they said they have always wanted to live on an acreage. It is a lovely place with a lot of potential. I am a bit jealous. Okay, I admit it, I am a LOT jealous. I have always wanted to live on an acreage my entire life. When Grandpa Larry and I got married, we never even considered that option. How are you doing up there? I was so sad that our dear neighbor Veda has come to join you. She came to your funeral and I was so glad to have her there. It always surprised me when I would get up close to her how tiny she really was. She was short compared to me, and that rarely happens. I don't think I have even gotten over losing our other neighbor Betty. She has been gone a while now, just like Grandma Von. There are so many wonderful people who have been leaving us here on earth. Say hi to Geneva too, will you? She is a wonderful person and will be missed by so many. I had seen her not too many days before she died, walking up town for coffee. She was very healthy for her age, 94. Veda was 92 and Betty 78. Gosh I am gonna miss you all so much. I try not to think selfish thoughts about it, however. I know you are all having a blast! No more pain. No more struggle. Wonderful.

I still get sad sometimes. It is so difficult not seeing you, just looking at your pictures. Wow, do we ever have a LOT of pictures of you! I guess knowing that you would leave us any day made us take more photos than we might have otherwise.

Your Dad is learning a new job. He is probably in China by now. He was in South Korea first. Then he will come home this weekend after 2 weeks away. He still likes the job, which is great. I think your Mommy is restless in her job. They don't treat her very well. She works so many hours, that she is worn out.

As you probably know, your Mommy is going to have another baby in February. We are excited and happy and yet sad too, because it is so unfair that you are not able to be here with us. That you did not get to stay long. That you had to have so many problems. We hope that the new baby will be perfectly okay. Hunter and Grandpa think it will be a boy. I think your Mom kind of wants another girl, but will be happy with a healthy child. She has so much stress at her job, I hope that won't affect the new baby. Her next baby appointment, they will take another ultrasound. I think it is the 3rd one, where the baby almost looks like it could come right through the screen. I can't wait to see that one.

Anyway, Ava, that is all I have to say right now. I wish you were here to snuggle and hold. I remember often how cool your little arms and legs were. I remember how you peed right through your diaper on me once. It was okay, though. I know you had to go when you had to go. Nothing is wrong with that. I am hurting today thinking about you. I can't be selfish and wish you here, I know that. But, sometimes I do. I wish with all my heart that you could be here only be perfect. What were we supposed to learn from the entire thing, Ava? I swear I will never know the answer to that. Yes, I wish you were here. I always will.

Hugs n Kisses Ava

We all love you so much.

Grandma Kate

Hi again, dear Ava. Today was a very sad and difficult day for me. Our neighbor Veda went to Heaven. Have you met her yet? I bet you have. I bet you had coffee and cookies with her already. Has she held you on her lap and talked to you yet? I know it will be difficult taking turns with her and Great Grandma LaVonne and Grandma Irene. I bet they pass you back and forth. I miss you. I miss that soft feeling your skin always had. I miss holding you, even when you peed on me. I don't miss that darned old feeding tube and those other machines and gunk that you needed to stay with us. I am glad you no longer will need them anymore. You are free to run and play and to see what you are doing. I bet Great Grandma LaVonne is happy to see you. Say hi to her from me, okay? I still miss her so much. I miss going to the phone and calling her, just to see how her day was going. I am very tired and sad tonight. Even though I know that Veda and you and Grandma are happier now than you have ever been, and feel no more pain or disease. Still I miss you all so much. I am so glad I have Grandpa Larry and my Dad, Papa June, and your Mommy, Jesse and Jodee and their families. I am glad to have your Mommy visit us so often. We love taking care of your big brother Hunter often. He is such a wonderful boy. He is growing up so fast, though. He has had to. He lost some "baby" time because you came to be with us and needed extra attention. Psst, I bet you already know this, but you are going to be a big sister now too! We don't know whether it will be a boy or a girl, but Mommy Lacey is expecting sometime in February. We are so excited. Scared too, but we are learning to let that go. We know that the odds are that everything will be okay with the new baby. At least we hope so. If not, we know what to do! I better stop this letter and go to bed. I feel very tired and forlorn. I know I will feel better soon, but tonight I just want to feel sad. I may even cry a little while. Please say hello to all of the people we know up there in Heaven. There are so many leaving earth and going up there recently. I feel older and older, but normal too. I know that I am very blessed and that I am so lucky to have such good family here on earth to love me. You take care and keep on singing and dancing! I love you, sweet Ava. Goodnight! Grandma Kate loves you deeply.

Dear Ava

I miss you so much, honey. We had you for such a short time. It was a difficult time for us all, but mostly for you. You struggled so much just to live! You apparently wanted to stay with us for as long as you could, because you kept on fighting! Thank you for staying for so long. four and a half years is short for us, but for you it must have been such a struggle. You always had to work so hard just to breathe. The doctors and nurses at blank hospital worked so hard when you would come in for a stay. They see so much and fix so many little broken bodies. I salute them because I don't know how they continue for so many years. One of the nurses you had had already been working the nicu floor for over twenty years when we were there a couple of years ago. Your short life is a blur to us all. We were so busy working to make you comfortable and safe. Your big brother Hunter was such a good big brother too. He never became jealous of you, which would have been easy to do because your care took up so much time. He always kissed you so often. He knew from the start that there was something different about you, but he never let it bother him. He knew that other sisters did not look like you, but he loved you with a protective fierceness of a much older person. No one had better hurt you! He would be all over them in a heartbeat. He was so patient when you were in the hospital. He would play and rest and stay out of the way. He knew when to be quiet, which was often. You were our Joy and our pain rolled up into one, Ava. No one could love you more. No one could be heartbroken more. No one would ever be able to love you more than we did. I will always miss you. Thank you for staying as long as you did. I feel that your little heart might have just gotten tired and quit. Or perhaps your lungs filled up with that nasty old gunk like they always did. I am so glad you don't have that struggle anymore. I am so glad you are now happy and whole. I even imagine I can hear you giggling up there. No more pain. No more angst for us. No more fussing. I won't ever get over losing you, none of us will. Take care up there. Say hi to all the people in our family who have already gone up there. Keep watching over us, we will need you even more now that you are a real Angel! I love you and will never forget how special you are and how much you are truly loved by so many. None of us will ever forget you. Please don't forget to watch over us too. Don't go off having so much fun that you forget to look out for us. We know you won't. All of my Love, Dear Ava. Talk to you again soon! Grandma Kate

Hi Ava. How are things up in Heaven? I hope you are having a good time up there. You keep those Angels busy ok? I know you will. I have been thinking of you a lot since you left us. Even though we knew you would leave sooner than we wanted you to, we knew that it would be the best thing for you. I try not to be too selfish and wish you were back. I know that would not be the best thing for you or for all of us. We all worked hard taking care of you, just like you worked so very hard to stay with us for as long as you could.  I remember the first day I heard that you were born. I had met your Mommy and Daddy  outside the hospital at about 10:30 at night. I remember showing Hunter the bright and shiny full moon that night. It was a little bit cool for August, but the brisk air felt nice because it had been so hot in the daytime. Hunter thought the moon was so pretty! On the way home from leaving you, your Mom and Dad, I had to stop and get some milk at the Casey store. I happened to think that we did not have very much at our house because Grandpa Larry only buys 2 quarts at a time. For some reason, the store was still open. I think it was almost 11:00 by the time we got your brother in the car and buckled all in cozy. I remember getting the milk and thanking the clerk so much for letting me buy it. He was totaling the till, so I know that he was probably supposed to be closed. Thank goodness he let me in. Then we went on home to see Grandpa Larry. He was waiting anxiously for us to get there. Hunter was wide awake by then and he wanted to play. So, we played for a long time before he finally got tired and fell back to sleep. He had fallen asleep on the way to the hospital as it was past his bedtime. I think they had to wake you up, Hunter, so they could go to get Ava. Ava, you decided when you were ready to come out that there would be no waiting around. You came out in about 2 hours or so. You remember how hard it was for you to breath after you got here? The doctor and nurses had to hurry and get you some oxygen to help you breathe. When they went to put in some drops to help your eyes as they do in all births, the nurses found out that you did not have any eyes. They had not grown like they were supposed to. Then later in the morning your Mommy called us to tell us you were finally here. I was surprised that she called so soon. It had not been very long at all. That was the first gut feeling I had. My stomach was churning when she called. She came right out and told me on the phone that you did not have any eyes. I don't think that feeling ever went away. I still have it sometimes, even now. From then on, we all worked so hard to keep you with us. You worked the hardest. I can't believe that you are gone. It seems like you will just be there when we walk in your house. It was a shock that you left us so suddenly. It was probably the best way you could have done it. You just went. When your Mommy was singing at the funeral, I could feel you there. I felt you watching us. When the Priest told his story, I swear I could see you leave the coffin and go up and up through the roof, poof. It felt so real. I know you are not in pain any more. I also know that I have told this story many times since you left. You are home now. You don't hurt anymore. You are flying high with all of those other Angels. You are singing, dancing, running and just having the best giggles of all! Even though we will always miss you, we know you are finally happy. You are finally whole for the first time. We will always hurt. We will always miss you. We will never forget you. Thank you for coming to be with us for so long. I know it was difficult to stay. I love you Ava. You be good and have fun, okay? Goodnight sweet one. Grandma Kate LOVES you so much. I will cry a lot. It seems to help so much to let the pain out. Goodnight sweet girl. Sweet Angel Girl. Hugs Ava. Goodnight Moon!