Losing a Child is an impossible thing, even on ordinary days. Getting through the Holiday times without Pain and Angst is nearly impossible after the loss of someone, especially a baby girl. You were our lovely one. Our Little Angel, from the day you were born. We soon adjusted to having to do things differently with you. You tried so hard to suck from the bottle, but it just didn't work out. That tummy button that we used to feed you worked so well. Except when it didn't. So many things had to be done differently with you so that you got the nutrition and care you needed. We all stepped up and took the best care we could. I remember when you were still in Blank Hospital how the needle attached to your head got crooked and the nurse came running in to fix it! That looked so bad. I don't think it was over a few moments, but you sure did kick up a fuss! No way that was going to keep happening. The nurses felt so bad about it. We knew that things happen and they did not expect you to move so much! You usually didn't, but sometimes you would. I think it may have been when you were having a seizure. Just like the time you got crooked in the little bed at your house in Manson. Gpa Larry had made an insert like a table that fit inside your porta crib so that we did not have to lift you up from the floor. It was much easier to have you up a ways. Well, one night as you probably remember, your Daddy was checking on you and you were gone!!!! He was really upset and flustered. Where could you be???? Well, you, little stinker, had wiggled some way and gotten the netting moved over enough so that you slid down halfway to the bottom of the crib. You were stuck there!! It was a good thing that he had gone to check on you!!! That was a scary thing. You were okay, thank goodness. We sure watched to make sure that never happened again after that!!
As you got a little bigger, it became more difficult to lift you, at least for me. No one complained though. We just did it. I hate that I could not do more. My darned knees! I did not know it yet at the time, but I knew I could not trust myself to move you around much. I had someone bring you to me so I could still hold you and snuggle you. You only peed on me a couple of times, lol. I would come up and visit so often so that your Mommy could run up town or do other errands just to get a break from the stress of taking care of you. Not that any of us ever minded, we didn't. We knew every day we got to have you with us was a Gift. We lived with the knowledge that you would be leaving us soon. Every Day. Every Day and night we knew that it might be your last. Then we got into a routine of taking care of you and almost forgot that someday you would be gone. Every year that you got a Birthday was amazing to us. Every Holiday that you were still here, a true JOY. Every kiss on the cheek or forehead, a Blessing. We truly KNEW how special every day was and is! We won't every forget that either! On bad days, we just remember you. We get it all into perspective easily after that.
Hunter still misses you too. Every once in a while he will mention something about you. He loves his new baby sister Penelope very much. He is doing so much all of the time to help take care of her. He is mature beyond his years in that way. Doing stuff with her is fun, but he sometimes still misses you. Then I think he feels a little guilty when he forgets. We all do. But, we know you would want us to enjoy Life without you. You would want us to go on and not be sad all the time. We still get sad, but we go on.
I had better close this now, honey. I just wanted to write to you because I was thinking about you. Especially with Thanksgiving almost here and Christmas Season well under way. You take care, sweet Ava. I Love you and miss you and will always think of you. Hugs pumpkin!
Grandma Kate
