Losing a Child is an impossible thing, even on ordinary days. Getting through the Holiday times without Pain and Angst is nearly impossible after the loss of someone, especially a baby girl. You were our lovely one. Our Little Angel, from the day you were born. We soon adjusted to having to do things differently with you. You tried so hard to suck from the bottle, but it just didn't work out. That tummy button that we used to feed you worked so well. Except when it didn't. So many things had to be done differently with you so that you got the nutrition and care you needed. We all stepped up and took the best care we could. I remember when you were still in Blank Hospital how the needle attached to your head got crooked and the nurse came running in to fix it! That looked so bad. I don't think it was over a few moments, but you sure did kick up a fuss! No way that was going to keep happening. The nurses felt so bad about it. We knew that things happen and they did not expect you to move so much! You usually didn't, but sometimes you would. I think it may have been when you were having a seizure. Just like the time you got crooked in the little bed at your house in Manson. Gpa Larry had made an insert like a table that fit inside your porta crib so that we did not have to lift you up from the floor. It was much easier to have you up a ways. Well, one night as you probably remember, your Daddy was checking on you and you were gone!!!! He was really upset and flustered. Where could you be???? Well, you, little stinker, had wiggled some way and gotten the netting moved over enough so that you slid down halfway to the bottom of the crib. You were stuck there!! It was a good thing that he had gone to check on you!!! That was a scary thing. You were okay, thank goodness. We sure watched to make sure that never happened again after that!!
As you got a little bigger, it became more difficult to lift you, at least for me. No one complained though. We just did it. I hate that I could not do more. My darned knees! I did not know it yet at the time, but I knew I could not trust myself to move you around much. I had someone bring you to me so I could still hold you and snuggle you. You only peed on me a couple of times, lol. I would come up and visit so often so that your Mommy could run up town or do other errands just to get a break from the stress of taking care of you. Not that any of us ever minded, we didn't. We knew every day we got to have you with us was a Gift. We lived with the knowledge that you would be leaving us soon. Every Day. Every Day and night we knew that it might be your last. Then we got into a routine of taking care of you and almost forgot that someday you would be gone. Every year that you got a Birthday was amazing to us. Every Holiday that you were still here, a true JOY. Every kiss on the cheek or forehead, a Blessing. We truly KNEW how special every day was and is! We won't every forget that either! On bad days, we just remember you. We get it all into perspective easily after that.
Hunter still misses you too. Every once in a while he will mention something about you. He loves his new baby sister Penelope very much. He is doing so much all of the time to help take care of her. He is mature beyond his years in that way. Doing stuff with her is fun, but he sometimes still misses you. Then I think he feels a little guilty when he forgets. We all do. But, we know you would want us to enjoy Life without you. You would want us to go on and not be sad all the time. We still get sad, but we go on.
I had better close this now, honey. I just wanted to write to you because I was thinking about you. Especially with Thanksgiving almost here and Christmas Season well under way. You take care, sweet Ava. I Love you and miss you and will always think of you. Hugs pumpkin!
Grandma Kate
Monday, November 17, 2014
Monday, March 24, 2014
Hi Ava!
Gosh, you don't know how much I am missing you, my little Angel. Even as the time flies by, I think of you almost daily. There will be days when I don't think of you, but they are not often. I guess I cannot believe it has been 2 years since you passed away already. So much has happened since then! You have a little sister now, who just turned one Feb. 6. She is a dolly and named Penelope....most call her Penny. That little one can move! She is so different than you were! Oh how I wish you could have moved like that. She sings. A lot! She always sings along with the radio. Sometimes the radio is not on and yet she still sings. She also talks a lot! Jabberwawky had nothing on her. This, however, is about you. We miss you so much. Our loss is Heaven's gain, so that helps us out a lot. We know that your pain is done. That helps. Your Mommy and Daddy and Hunter and Penny went to the Ronald McDonald House again last weekend. They wanted to donate some money in your name. That place is so wonderful. So many people need it when they have family with bad illness, problems breathing, or other pain and suffering. Lots of kids still get cancer. There is hope though, because more are getting better and going back home to live a normal life. The Doctors and Nurses keep on doing their best to help people get all better. I don't know how some of them do it for so many years. They must be able to shut out the feelings when they leave to go home. I have always been too empathetic, I guess.
I miss holding you Ava. You never squirmed or wanted down like Penny does. She has to keep moving. Maybe she is trying to make up for you not being able to? Ya think? I know I am not saying anything new or earth moving, but I just wanted to let you know how much we will always Love you and Miss you. Keep on singing with those Angels, okay? And Flying. And laughing. And seeing!!!
Keep on knowing how much we will always LOVE you! Goodnight Sweet girl. Hugs from Home to Heaven!
Update:
Grandma Kate
Today is a Beautiful day, as the past few days have been. Oh, some people don't choose to think so, but I do. Yes, I don't like Winter. Yes, I would skip the cold and snow if I could. But, you know what, Ava? The snow is so wonderful when it is falling gently and there is no wind, like this time. Even though it snowed all day, the accumulation was not as much, about 3 inches this time. Everyone keeps saying that it is so early to snow. What? It is November after all!!! I can remember getting snow in October in the past, and it didn't melt until April the next year! Many Iowa winters were that way. We would have snow up past the windows many times. It snowed so much that the drifts were 10 ft. tall sometimes. When we were first living in Iowa after we moved north from where I was born in Missouri, we 3 kids loved the snow! We would be the first ones out there all dressed up and bundled so tight we could barely move. Snow forts, sleds, I would be out there singing away, Christmas time is a comin, or Silver Bells, or I'll be Home for Christmas. Then we would come in and get some Hot Chocolate and warm up by the old Oil Burner Stove. We would freeze when we went to bed, until the covers warmed up! I often wore my socks to bed just to keep my toes warm.
The whol yare id white and it sparkles when the sun shines on it, which it is doing this morning. I still think of the times we would come and visit you. I began coming up when you were first home f rom the Hospital. That Christmas we were all so Joyful because you got to come home just before Santa came. I remember your Mom and Dad and Hunter and you were here for a while before you went on up to your house in Manson. Then I would come and spend many days with you all, helping your Mom with Hunter and getting snuggle time with you whenever I could. I could always put my feelings of angst and worry aside for the time I was there with you. I still remember that cold little body. Your arms and legs were like little ice cubes and I remember my heat radiating into you and helping you keep warm. Your Mommy and Daddy and Hunter were so loving with you. You would never know there was anything wrong at all. They all stepped up without taking an extra breath. I have to admit, this Grandms had to step back and take a few big breaths, but I did it. Your Mommy even told me much later on that she had always thought she might have a child with special needs. That was probably because your Aunt Jesse had some trouble learning and keeping up with her class in school. I have always said that she just thinks differently than some people do. She sees the world in her own way. It is a wonderful way! She is so kind and loving and wants everyone to be happy. She is stubborn, like Grandpa Larry. She wants things done her way, or the Highway. That is pretty much how things happen, too. You would like her. She is fun and a good hugger too! It will soon be Christmas here again. First we have Thanksgiving coming up in a couple of weeks. It will be non-traditional this year, and that kind of hurts. But that said, the past few years have been that way too. You see, Aunt Jodee and her Family have moved over 1100 miles southwest of us and I am having a tough time adjusting to that. I keep thinking about how happy they all are, and that seems to help a lot. We want to go out to visit them soon, but the prices are just too high right now. I am watching for specials in fares and hope it works out before the new year.
Well, sweet Ava, I think that is all I need to tell you this time. I was just feeling a bid lonely and sad, so thought I would check out and send this update to you up in Heaven. Oh! I forgot to tell you that Veda's home has sold now. It took a little while. Her daughters have come up many times and worked on getting it all fixed up fancy so that someone would want to buy it. Grandpa has met the new owner, but I have not yet. That is another thing that is hard to get used to. Our entire neighborhood has changed. In fact, we are the only ones in our area that are still living here. All of the other houses have new people living in them. The old coffee Klatch broke up many years ago. People have moved on or died. I was looking the other day and so many of the people who were here when we first moved to town are now gone. Living in nursing homes or up there in Heaven with you. I hope you are getting to know them all. Geneva, Hilma, Veda, and many more I can't think of right now. Tell them hello from me, okay? I miss them too. You take care now, Ava. Keep singing and playing, okay? Please send me some little signs so I know you are taking care of us now, please? I think of you so often. I miss you so often. It hurts less, as I knew it would. But, it still hurts and always will. I try not to be upset about your going home. I know it is so much better for you there. You have no more pain and are having a fun time. Keep on honey. Remember we LOVE you so much and always will!
Grandma Kate
(Written on November 17, 2014)
I miss holding you Ava. You never squirmed or wanted down like Penny does. She has to keep moving. Maybe she is trying to make up for you not being able to? Ya think? I know I am not saying anything new or earth moving, but I just wanted to let you know how much we will always Love you and Miss you. Keep on singing with those Angels, okay? And Flying. And laughing. And seeing!!!
Keep on knowing how much we will always LOVE you! Goodnight Sweet girl. Hugs from Home to Heaven!
Update:
Grandma Kate
Today is a Beautiful day, as the past few days have been. Oh, some people don't choose to think so, but I do. Yes, I don't like Winter. Yes, I would skip the cold and snow if I could. But, you know what, Ava? The snow is so wonderful when it is falling gently and there is no wind, like this time. Even though it snowed all day, the accumulation was not as much, about 3 inches this time. Everyone keeps saying that it is so early to snow. What? It is November after all!!! I can remember getting snow in October in the past, and it didn't melt until April the next year! Many Iowa winters were that way. We would have snow up past the windows many times. It snowed so much that the drifts were 10 ft. tall sometimes. When we were first living in Iowa after we moved north from where I was born in Missouri, we 3 kids loved the snow! We would be the first ones out there all dressed up and bundled so tight we could barely move. Snow forts, sleds, I would be out there singing away, Christmas time is a comin, or Silver Bells, or I'll be Home for Christmas. Then we would come in and get some Hot Chocolate and warm up by the old Oil Burner Stove. We would freeze when we went to bed, until the covers warmed up! I often wore my socks to bed just to keep my toes warm.
The whol yare id white and it sparkles when the sun shines on it, which it is doing this morning. I still think of the times we would come and visit you. I began coming up when you were first home f rom the Hospital. That Christmas we were all so Joyful because you got to come home just before Santa came. I remember your Mom and Dad and Hunter and you were here for a while before you went on up to your house in Manson. Then I would come and spend many days with you all, helping your Mom with Hunter and getting snuggle time with you whenever I could. I could always put my feelings of angst and worry aside for the time I was there with you. I still remember that cold little body. Your arms and legs were like little ice cubes and I remember my heat radiating into you and helping you keep warm. Your Mommy and Daddy and Hunter were so loving with you. You would never know there was anything wrong at all. They all stepped up without taking an extra breath. I have to admit, this Grandms had to step back and take a few big breaths, but I did it. Your Mommy even told me much later on that she had always thought she might have a child with special needs. That was probably because your Aunt Jesse had some trouble learning and keeping up with her class in school. I have always said that she just thinks differently than some people do. She sees the world in her own way. It is a wonderful way! She is so kind and loving and wants everyone to be happy. She is stubborn, like Grandpa Larry. She wants things done her way, or the Highway. That is pretty much how things happen, too. You would like her. She is fun and a good hugger too! It will soon be Christmas here again. First we have Thanksgiving coming up in a couple of weeks. It will be non-traditional this year, and that kind of hurts. But that said, the past few years have been that way too. You see, Aunt Jodee and her Family have moved over 1100 miles southwest of us and I am having a tough time adjusting to that. I keep thinking about how happy they all are, and that seems to help a lot. We want to go out to visit them soon, but the prices are just too high right now. I am watching for specials in fares and hope it works out before the new year.
Well, sweet Ava, I think that is all I need to tell you this time. I was just feeling a bid lonely and sad, so thought I would check out and send this update to you up in Heaven. Oh! I forgot to tell you that Veda's home has sold now. It took a little while. Her daughters have come up many times and worked on getting it all fixed up fancy so that someone would want to buy it. Grandpa has met the new owner, but I have not yet. That is another thing that is hard to get used to. Our entire neighborhood has changed. In fact, we are the only ones in our area that are still living here. All of the other houses have new people living in them. The old coffee Klatch broke up many years ago. People have moved on or died. I was looking the other day and so many of the people who were here when we first moved to town are now gone. Living in nursing homes or up there in Heaven with you. I hope you are getting to know them all. Geneva, Hilma, Veda, and many more I can't think of right now. Tell them hello from me, okay? I miss them too. You take care now, Ava. Keep singing and playing, okay? Please send me some little signs so I know you are taking care of us now, please? I think of you so often. I miss you so often. It hurts less, as I knew it would. But, it still hurts and always will. I try not to be upset about your going home. I know it is so much better for you there. You have no more pain and are having a fun time. Keep on honey. Remember we LOVE you so much and always will!
Grandma Kate
(Written on November 17, 2014)
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