Hi Sweet Ava

I can barely believe it has been one year today since you died and went to Heaven. Oh, do we miss you down here. I hope that Veda and Grandma Fran and Grandma LaVonne are taking turns having fun and loving you.

I swear every now and then I can hear you giggle. Then I imagine in my mind you running along the green grass and the hearts and flowers and other pretty things just float up in the air behind you. It makes my heart hurt a little less when I think of it that way. We will never stop hurting for you. I still think about all the pain you suffered while you were here with us. That was the one thing that was so very difficult for all of us to go through. We wanted you to not hurt but to be normal and run and play like you should be doing now. You could not see through your eyes, but I hope you knew we were only doing our very best to care for you. Sometimes it was just too painful for me to take, so I could not do it. I hope you forgive me for that. I was so afraid you would die on my watch. That would have been so hard to take.

I guess that is why you left us like you did. Then we did not suffer quite as much to lose you. But I will tell you one thing. It was the worst phone call of my Life. Even though we knew you were free from pain, I was still selfish enough to want to hold on to you as long as we could. Many times Grandpa Larry and I would say on our way home from your place how difficult it was to be there and see you and to know you were having pain and such a terrible struggle just to breathe. We would not wish you back with us. We know you are in a better place even though we don't like it. Take care of those we loved down here now that you are all together up there. It does help some to know or at least to think that all of you are together and getting to know each other now.

Today your Mommy and Daddy, your brother Hunter and your new little sister Penny are taking the day to go and be together away from home. They wanted it to be a good day, not a day to remember pain and agony.

No one could have loved a little girl more than your Mommy and Daddy and brother Hunter did. They all adored you so much. They always will. It makes me cry to think about them going through all the years of pain taking care of you. They knew the blessings side too, however. They knew that they met many wonderful people through you. People who have now become our friends and family. We have adopted 2 of your Nurses, Mindy and Carolyn. They are family now. They are like Aunties for you and Hunter and Penny. They love us and we appreciate that.

I don't know why we were supposed to go through what we did or why you had to endure so much just to stay here for a few years. You were the prettiest little baby and girl. Your little button nose and rosey cheeks were so gorgeous. We miss holding you. Even though your little arms and legs were always so cold to the touch, we would hold you and snuggle you and try to warm you up as often as we could.

That day when your Mommy called us to tell us about your problems, I lost it for a little while. I thank Aunt Jean for helping me know how to get back on track where I needed to be. She just said to "buck up" and I did. I had called my brother Jim because I had to talk to someone. He did not answer because he was away somewhere. So I talked to Jean. She listened and comforted me. I could feel her hugging me through the phone. I will always be thankful for that call.
I knew everything she was telling me already, but I needed to hear it anyway.

Anyway, I just wanted to write to you and to say how much you are still loved and thought about. The next week will be difficult to get through, but we will go on. We will go on because we have to go on. We still need to care for your big brother Hunter and your new little sister Penelope. We will tell Penny all about you so that she can love you too. I wish you could meet her. She is adorable, as Hunter used to say about you. He would say adodble. He would kiss your cheeks or forehead all the time. He now kisses Penelope that way. He plasters her with kisses. She never needs her face washed anymore, lol.

I had better stop writing now or this will become a book.

We LOVE you so much Ava.
We MISS you so much too.
Be Happy up in Heaven...okay?
I will tell Tyler that I know you are.
Goodbye for now little sweetie.

Love Grandma Kate

Update to you, Ava

Hi Sweetie. Grandma Kate still misses you so much. I am very blessed though. I am so lucky to have SO many beautiful photos of you everywhere. We will never forget you, that is for sure. I will write more to you tomorrow. I am very tired tonight. I just wanted you to know how much I am missing you tonight. We had our Thanksgiving Day meal with Jessie and Chris and girls. Grandpa June was there too. He would/did really love you so much too. I think a bit of his Heart died when he found out there was something wrong with you. It happens when a child is born not perfect. It makes us take a look at Life in a new way. We understand a bit more how fragile Life can be. How it hangs in the Balance of things. We should have lost you on day one. You should not have even survived to be born. Mother Nature did not help you grow right. I guess it is unfair to blame Mother Nature. She had nothing to do with the genetics of our families. There was just something wrong with the way the things came together. I know one thing. You never could have been loved any more than you were. Everyone who met you fell in love with you wholeheartedly. I miss the feel of your soft curly hair. The girls have that same hair. Yours was a bit more red, but the curls were the same. We saved some of your hair, I am glad of that. I had forgotten that when I was a little girl, I had long curly hair too. Until my Mom cut it off and gave me a perm. I still have some curl to it when it dries at night, or I don't put conditioner on it. Your Aunt Jesse had very pretty curly hair when she was little too. Until I got it cut the first time. She still has curls when she sweats or is outside when it is raining. The boys in the family have curls galore too. Your Great Aunt Jean told me today that her Dad had really curly hair too. I remembered that too, when I thought about it. I so enjoyed the day at Chris and Jessie's today, as I always do. For some reason I am very comfortable there now. The feelings of having to be something I am not are gone now. I did not worry about any of that at all this time, nor the last time we went, for Ashton's Birthday. Maybe that is part of my healing. The start of my getting well. Knowing you, sweet one, taught me that most things are just not all that important when it comes down to it.

More later: Goodnight Moon little one.