Losing a Child is an impossible thing, even on ordinary days. Getting through the Holiday times without Pain and Angst is nearly impossible after the loss of someone, especially a baby girl. You were our lovely one. Our Little Angel, from the day you were born. We soon adjusted to having to do things differently with you. You tried so hard to suck from the bottle, but it just didn't work out. That tummy button that we used to feed you worked so well. Except when it didn't. So many things had to be done differently with you so that you got the nutrition and care you needed. We all stepped up and took the best care we could. I remember when you were still in Blank Hospital how the needle attached to your head got crooked and the nurse came running in to fix it! That looked so bad. I don't think it was over a few moments, but you sure did kick up a fuss! No way that was going to keep happening. The nurses felt so bad about it. We knew that things happen and they did not expect you to move so much! You usually didn't, but sometimes you would. I think it may have been when you were having a seizure. Just like the time you got crooked in the little bed at your house in Manson. Gpa Larry had made an insert like a table that fit inside your porta crib so that we did not have to lift you up from the floor. It was much easier to have you up a ways. Well, one night as you probably remember, your Daddy was checking on you and you were gone!!!! He was really upset and flustered. Where could you be???? Well, you, little stinker, had wiggled some way and gotten the netting moved over enough so that you slid down halfway to the bottom of the crib. You were stuck there!! It was a good thing that he had gone to check on you!!! That was a scary thing. You were okay, thank goodness. We sure watched to make sure that never happened again after that!!
As you got a little bigger, it became more difficult to lift you, at least for me. No one complained though. We just did it. I hate that I could not do more. My darned knees! I did not know it yet at the time, but I knew I could not trust myself to move you around much. I had someone bring you to me so I could still hold you and snuggle you. You only peed on me a couple of times, lol. I would come up and visit so often so that your Mommy could run up town or do other errands just to get a break from the stress of taking care of you. Not that any of us ever minded, we didn't. We knew every day we got to have you with us was a Gift. We lived with the knowledge that you would be leaving us soon. Every Day. Every Day and night we knew that it might be your last. Then we got into a routine of taking care of you and almost forgot that someday you would be gone. Every year that you got a Birthday was amazing to us. Every Holiday that you were still here, a true JOY. Every kiss on the cheek or forehead, a Blessing. We truly KNEW how special every day was and is! We won't every forget that either! On bad days, we just remember you. We get it all into perspective easily after that.
Hunter still misses you too. Every once in a while he will mention something about you. He loves his new baby sister Penelope very much. He is doing so much all of the time to help take care of her. He is mature beyond his years in that way. Doing stuff with her is fun, but he sometimes still misses you. Then I think he feels a little guilty when he forgets. We all do. But, we know you would want us to enjoy Life without you. You would want us to go on and not be sad all the time. We still get sad, but we go on.
I had better close this now, honey. I just wanted to write to you because I was thinking about you. Especially with Thanksgiving almost here and Christmas Season well under way. You take care, sweet Ava. I Love you and miss you and will always think of you. Hugs pumpkin!
Grandma Kate
Monday, November 17, 2014
Monday, March 24, 2014
Hi Ava!
Gosh, you don't know how much I am missing you, my little Angel. Even as the time flies by, I think of you almost daily. There will be days when I don't think of you, but they are not often. I guess I cannot believe it has been 2 years since you passed away already. So much has happened since then! You have a little sister now, who just turned one Feb. 6. She is a dolly and named Penelope....most call her Penny. That little one can move! She is so different than you were! Oh how I wish you could have moved like that. She sings. A lot! She always sings along with the radio. Sometimes the radio is not on and yet she still sings. She also talks a lot! Jabberwawky had nothing on her. This, however, is about you. We miss you so much. Our loss is Heaven's gain, so that helps us out a lot. We know that your pain is done. That helps. Your Mommy and Daddy and Hunter and Penny went to the Ronald McDonald House again last weekend. They wanted to donate some money in your name. That place is so wonderful. So many people need it when they have family with bad illness, problems breathing, or other pain and suffering. Lots of kids still get cancer. There is hope though, because more are getting better and going back home to live a normal life. The Doctors and Nurses keep on doing their best to help people get all better. I don't know how some of them do it for so many years. They must be able to shut out the feelings when they leave to go home. I have always been too empathetic, I guess.
I miss holding you Ava. You never squirmed or wanted down like Penny does. She has to keep moving. Maybe she is trying to make up for you not being able to? Ya think? I know I am not saying anything new or earth moving, but I just wanted to let you know how much we will always Love you and Miss you. Keep on singing with those Angels, okay? And Flying. And laughing. And seeing!!!
Keep on knowing how much we will always LOVE you! Goodnight Sweet girl. Hugs from Home to Heaven!
Update:
Grandma Kate
Today is a Beautiful day, as the past few days have been. Oh, some people don't choose to think so, but I do. Yes, I don't like Winter. Yes, I would skip the cold and snow if I could. But, you know what, Ava? The snow is so wonderful when it is falling gently and there is no wind, like this time. Even though it snowed all day, the accumulation was not as much, about 3 inches this time. Everyone keeps saying that it is so early to snow. What? It is November after all!!! I can remember getting snow in October in the past, and it didn't melt until April the next year! Many Iowa winters were that way. We would have snow up past the windows many times. It snowed so much that the drifts were 10 ft. tall sometimes. When we were first living in Iowa after we moved north from where I was born in Missouri, we 3 kids loved the snow! We would be the first ones out there all dressed up and bundled so tight we could barely move. Snow forts, sleds, I would be out there singing away, Christmas time is a comin, or Silver Bells, or I'll be Home for Christmas. Then we would come in and get some Hot Chocolate and warm up by the old Oil Burner Stove. We would freeze when we went to bed, until the covers warmed up! I often wore my socks to bed just to keep my toes warm.
The whol yare id white and it sparkles when the sun shines on it, which it is doing this morning. I still think of the times we would come and visit you. I began coming up when you were first home f rom the Hospital. That Christmas we were all so Joyful because you got to come home just before Santa came. I remember your Mom and Dad and Hunter and you were here for a while before you went on up to your house in Manson. Then I would come and spend many days with you all, helping your Mom with Hunter and getting snuggle time with you whenever I could. I could always put my feelings of angst and worry aside for the time I was there with you. I still remember that cold little body. Your arms and legs were like little ice cubes and I remember my heat radiating into you and helping you keep warm. Your Mommy and Daddy and Hunter were so loving with you. You would never know there was anything wrong at all. They all stepped up without taking an extra breath. I have to admit, this Grandms had to step back and take a few big breaths, but I did it. Your Mommy even told me much later on that she had always thought she might have a child with special needs. That was probably because your Aunt Jesse had some trouble learning and keeping up with her class in school. I have always said that she just thinks differently than some people do. She sees the world in her own way. It is a wonderful way! She is so kind and loving and wants everyone to be happy. She is stubborn, like Grandpa Larry. She wants things done her way, or the Highway. That is pretty much how things happen, too. You would like her. She is fun and a good hugger too! It will soon be Christmas here again. First we have Thanksgiving coming up in a couple of weeks. It will be non-traditional this year, and that kind of hurts. But that said, the past few years have been that way too. You see, Aunt Jodee and her Family have moved over 1100 miles southwest of us and I am having a tough time adjusting to that. I keep thinking about how happy they all are, and that seems to help a lot. We want to go out to visit them soon, but the prices are just too high right now. I am watching for specials in fares and hope it works out before the new year.
Well, sweet Ava, I think that is all I need to tell you this time. I was just feeling a bid lonely and sad, so thought I would check out and send this update to you up in Heaven. Oh! I forgot to tell you that Veda's home has sold now. It took a little while. Her daughters have come up many times and worked on getting it all fixed up fancy so that someone would want to buy it. Grandpa has met the new owner, but I have not yet. That is another thing that is hard to get used to. Our entire neighborhood has changed. In fact, we are the only ones in our area that are still living here. All of the other houses have new people living in them. The old coffee Klatch broke up many years ago. People have moved on or died. I was looking the other day and so many of the people who were here when we first moved to town are now gone. Living in nursing homes or up there in Heaven with you. I hope you are getting to know them all. Geneva, Hilma, Veda, and many more I can't think of right now. Tell them hello from me, okay? I miss them too. You take care now, Ava. Keep singing and playing, okay? Please send me some little signs so I know you are taking care of us now, please? I think of you so often. I miss you so often. It hurts less, as I knew it would. But, it still hurts and always will. I try not to be upset about your going home. I know it is so much better for you there. You have no more pain and are having a fun time. Keep on honey. Remember we LOVE you so much and always will!
Grandma Kate
(Written on November 17, 2014)
I miss holding you Ava. You never squirmed or wanted down like Penny does. She has to keep moving. Maybe she is trying to make up for you not being able to? Ya think? I know I am not saying anything new or earth moving, but I just wanted to let you know how much we will always Love you and Miss you. Keep on singing with those Angels, okay? And Flying. And laughing. And seeing!!!
Keep on knowing how much we will always LOVE you! Goodnight Sweet girl. Hugs from Home to Heaven!
Update:
Grandma Kate
Today is a Beautiful day, as the past few days have been. Oh, some people don't choose to think so, but I do. Yes, I don't like Winter. Yes, I would skip the cold and snow if I could. But, you know what, Ava? The snow is so wonderful when it is falling gently and there is no wind, like this time. Even though it snowed all day, the accumulation was not as much, about 3 inches this time. Everyone keeps saying that it is so early to snow. What? It is November after all!!! I can remember getting snow in October in the past, and it didn't melt until April the next year! Many Iowa winters were that way. We would have snow up past the windows many times. It snowed so much that the drifts were 10 ft. tall sometimes. When we were first living in Iowa after we moved north from where I was born in Missouri, we 3 kids loved the snow! We would be the first ones out there all dressed up and bundled so tight we could barely move. Snow forts, sleds, I would be out there singing away, Christmas time is a comin, or Silver Bells, or I'll be Home for Christmas. Then we would come in and get some Hot Chocolate and warm up by the old Oil Burner Stove. We would freeze when we went to bed, until the covers warmed up! I often wore my socks to bed just to keep my toes warm.
The whol yare id white and it sparkles when the sun shines on it, which it is doing this morning. I still think of the times we would come and visit you. I began coming up when you were first home f rom the Hospital. That Christmas we were all so Joyful because you got to come home just before Santa came. I remember your Mom and Dad and Hunter and you were here for a while before you went on up to your house in Manson. Then I would come and spend many days with you all, helping your Mom with Hunter and getting snuggle time with you whenever I could. I could always put my feelings of angst and worry aside for the time I was there with you. I still remember that cold little body. Your arms and legs were like little ice cubes and I remember my heat radiating into you and helping you keep warm. Your Mommy and Daddy and Hunter were so loving with you. You would never know there was anything wrong at all. They all stepped up without taking an extra breath. I have to admit, this Grandms had to step back and take a few big breaths, but I did it. Your Mommy even told me much later on that she had always thought she might have a child with special needs. That was probably because your Aunt Jesse had some trouble learning and keeping up with her class in school. I have always said that she just thinks differently than some people do. She sees the world in her own way. It is a wonderful way! She is so kind and loving and wants everyone to be happy. She is stubborn, like Grandpa Larry. She wants things done her way, or the Highway. That is pretty much how things happen, too. You would like her. She is fun and a good hugger too! It will soon be Christmas here again. First we have Thanksgiving coming up in a couple of weeks. It will be non-traditional this year, and that kind of hurts. But that said, the past few years have been that way too. You see, Aunt Jodee and her Family have moved over 1100 miles southwest of us and I am having a tough time adjusting to that. I keep thinking about how happy they all are, and that seems to help a lot. We want to go out to visit them soon, but the prices are just too high right now. I am watching for specials in fares and hope it works out before the new year.
Well, sweet Ava, I think that is all I need to tell you this time. I was just feeling a bid lonely and sad, so thought I would check out and send this update to you up in Heaven. Oh! I forgot to tell you that Veda's home has sold now. It took a little while. Her daughters have come up many times and worked on getting it all fixed up fancy so that someone would want to buy it. Grandpa has met the new owner, but I have not yet. That is another thing that is hard to get used to. Our entire neighborhood has changed. In fact, we are the only ones in our area that are still living here. All of the other houses have new people living in them. The old coffee Klatch broke up many years ago. People have moved on or died. I was looking the other day and so many of the people who were here when we first moved to town are now gone. Living in nursing homes or up there in Heaven with you. I hope you are getting to know them all. Geneva, Hilma, Veda, and many more I can't think of right now. Tell them hello from me, okay? I miss them too. You take care now, Ava. Keep singing and playing, okay? Please send me some little signs so I know you are taking care of us now, please? I think of you so often. I miss you so often. It hurts less, as I knew it would. But, it still hurts and always will. I try not to be upset about your going home. I know it is so much better for you there. You have no more pain and are having a fun time. Keep on honey. Remember we LOVE you so much and always will!
Grandma Kate
(Written on November 17, 2014)
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Dear Ava
Today is a Beautiful day! It is Sunny and bright and the hint of Fall is in the Air. It is to be warm this week, however. We will have highs in the 80's on some days.
This past weekend, your Mommy, Hunter, Penelope and I went to visit with Aunt Jodee, Jamie, Tyler and Sydney Kay. Tyler's Birthday is next week. I got him some real Art Paper. I want to encourage his Writing and doing Art. All of my Grandchildren are very Artistically talented. Hunter likes to draw too.
It was a good visit. My Knee was hurting really badly, but I wanted so to be there and to go to Galena, so we went. There was a Farm with fall stuff that we stopped at first. It had games and other Fall things to do. I watched baby Penny while Aunt Jodee, Mommy, Tyler, Hunter and Sydney went and looked at everything nice. It was a beautiful, Sunny day that day. It was just nice to be outside enjoying it. I only wish you could have been with us too. It would have been fun to see you tagging along behind the rest!
We have been putting up produce from the Garden the past few weeks. Grandpa Larry is working very hard to get in the "Harvest". We will be eating good Garden stuff all Winter long! Beets, Tomatoes, Carrots, and Apples and Pears. He made some Pear Sauce and a lot of Applesauce. I ate one of the Apples yesterday and they are very good. I have never seen Apples so Beautiful like they are. There are no blemishes or dents or anything on them. Perfectly Perfect they are!
I have been missing you once again. I go in little spurts of hurts. It soon passes, however, and I really appreciate what I do and have. When I get down, I pick myself back up soon and go on.
You were our little Angel from the day you were born. We miss you now, and will forever. So you keep on being as sweet as you always were. We love you, and as Hunter says when he hangs up, mmmmmmmuuuuuummmph!
Keep on having fun up there in Heaven.
Love Grandma Kate
This past weekend, your Mommy, Hunter, Penelope and I went to visit with Aunt Jodee, Jamie, Tyler and Sydney Kay. Tyler's Birthday is next week. I got him some real Art Paper. I want to encourage his Writing and doing Art. All of my Grandchildren are very Artistically talented. Hunter likes to draw too.
It was a good visit. My Knee was hurting really badly, but I wanted so to be there and to go to Galena, so we went. There was a Farm with fall stuff that we stopped at first. It had games and other Fall things to do. I watched baby Penny while Aunt Jodee, Mommy, Tyler, Hunter and Sydney went and looked at everything nice. It was a beautiful, Sunny day that day. It was just nice to be outside enjoying it. I only wish you could have been with us too. It would have been fun to see you tagging along behind the rest!
We have been putting up produce from the Garden the past few weeks. Grandpa Larry is working very hard to get in the "Harvest". We will be eating good Garden stuff all Winter long! Beets, Tomatoes, Carrots, and Apples and Pears. He made some Pear Sauce and a lot of Applesauce. I ate one of the Apples yesterday and they are very good. I have never seen Apples so Beautiful like they are. There are no blemishes or dents or anything on them. Perfectly Perfect they are!
I have been missing you once again. I go in little spurts of hurts. It soon passes, however, and I really appreciate what I do and have. When I get down, I pick myself back up soon and go on.
You were our little Angel from the day you were born. We miss you now, and will forever. So you keep on being as sweet as you always were. We love you, and as Hunter says when he hangs up, mmmmmmmuuuuuummmph!
Keep on having fun up there in Heaven.
Love Grandma Kate
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Hi Sweet Ava
I can barely believe it has been one year today since you died and went to Heaven. Oh, do we miss you down here. I hope that Veda and Grandma Fran and Grandma LaVonne are taking turns having fun and loving you.
I swear every now and then I can hear you giggle. Then I imagine in my mind you running along the green grass and the hearts and flowers and other pretty things just float up in the air behind you. It makes my heart hurt a little less when I think of it that way. We will never stop hurting for you. I still think about all the pain you suffered while you were here with us. That was the one thing that was so very difficult for all of us to go through. We wanted you to not hurt but to be normal and run and play like you should be doing now. You could not see through your eyes, but I hope you knew we were only doing our very best to care for you. Sometimes it was just too painful for me to take, so I could not do it. I hope you forgive me for that. I was so afraid you would die on my watch. That would have been so hard to take.
I guess that is why you left us like you did. Then we did not suffer quite as much to lose you. But I will tell you one thing. It was the worst phone call of my Life. Even though we knew you were free from pain, I was still selfish enough to want to hold on to you as long as we could. Many times Grandpa Larry and I would say on our way home from your place how difficult it was to be there and see you and to know you were having pain and such a terrible struggle just to breathe. We would not wish you back with us. We know you are in a better place even though we don't like it. Take care of those we loved down here now that you are all together up there. It does help some to know or at least to think that all of you are together and getting to know each other now.
Today your Mommy and Daddy, your brother Hunter and your new little sister Penny are taking the day to go and be together away from home. They wanted it to be a good day, not a day to remember pain and agony.
No one could have loved a little girl more than your Mommy and Daddy and brother Hunter did. They all adored you so much. They always will. It makes me cry to think about them going through all the years of pain taking care of you. They knew the blessings side too, however. They knew that they met many wonderful people through you. People who have now become our friends and family. We have adopted 2 of your Nurses, Mindy and Carolyn. They are family now. They are like Aunties for you and Hunter and Penny. They love us and we appreciate that.
I don't know why we were supposed to go through what we did or why you had to endure so much just to stay here for a few years. You were the prettiest little baby and girl. Your little button nose and rosey cheeks were so gorgeous. We miss holding you. Even though your little arms and legs were always so cold to the touch, we would hold you and snuggle you and try to warm you up as often as we could.
That day when your Mommy called us to tell us about your problems, I lost it for a little while. I thank Aunt Jean for helping me know how to get back on track where I needed to be. She just said to "buck up" and I did. I had called my brother Jim because I had to talk to someone. He did not answer because he was away somewhere. So I talked to Jean. She listened and comforted me. I could feel her hugging me through the phone. I will always be thankful for that call.
I knew everything she was telling me already, but I needed to hear it anyway.
Anyway, I just wanted to write to you and to say how much you are still loved and thought about. The next week will be difficult to get through, but we will go on. We will go on because we have to go on. We still need to care for your big brother Hunter and your new little sister Penelope. We will tell Penny all about you so that she can love you too. I wish you could meet her. She is adorable, as Hunter used to say about you. He would say adodble. He would kiss your cheeks or forehead all the time. He now kisses Penelope that way. He plasters her with kisses. She never needs her face washed anymore, lol.
I had better stop writing now or this will become a book.
We LOVE you so much Ava.
We MISS you so much too.
Be Happy up in Heaven...okay?
I will tell Tyler that I know you are.
Goodbye for now little sweetie.
Love Grandma Kate
I swear every now and then I can hear you giggle. Then I imagine in my mind you running along the green grass and the hearts and flowers and other pretty things just float up in the air behind you. It makes my heart hurt a little less when I think of it that way. We will never stop hurting for you. I still think about all the pain you suffered while you were here with us. That was the one thing that was so very difficult for all of us to go through. We wanted you to not hurt but to be normal and run and play like you should be doing now. You could not see through your eyes, but I hope you knew we were only doing our very best to care for you. Sometimes it was just too painful for me to take, so I could not do it. I hope you forgive me for that. I was so afraid you would die on my watch. That would have been so hard to take.
I guess that is why you left us like you did. Then we did not suffer quite as much to lose you. But I will tell you one thing. It was the worst phone call of my Life. Even though we knew you were free from pain, I was still selfish enough to want to hold on to you as long as we could. Many times Grandpa Larry and I would say on our way home from your place how difficult it was to be there and see you and to know you were having pain and such a terrible struggle just to breathe. We would not wish you back with us. We know you are in a better place even though we don't like it. Take care of those we loved down here now that you are all together up there. It does help some to know or at least to think that all of you are together and getting to know each other now.
Today your Mommy and Daddy, your brother Hunter and your new little sister Penny are taking the day to go and be together away from home. They wanted it to be a good day, not a day to remember pain and agony.
No one could have loved a little girl more than your Mommy and Daddy and brother Hunter did. They all adored you so much. They always will. It makes me cry to think about them going through all the years of pain taking care of you. They knew the blessings side too, however. They knew that they met many wonderful people through you. People who have now become our friends and family. We have adopted 2 of your Nurses, Mindy and Carolyn. They are family now. They are like Aunties for you and Hunter and Penny. They love us and we appreciate that.
I don't know why we were supposed to go through what we did or why you had to endure so much just to stay here for a few years. You were the prettiest little baby and girl. Your little button nose and rosey cheeks were so gorgeous. We miss holding you. Even though your little arms and legs were always so cold to the touch, we would hold you and snuggle you and try to warm you up as often as we could.
That day when your Mommy called us to tell us about your problems, I lost it for a little while. I thank Aunt Jean for helping me know how to get back on track where I needed to be. She just said to "buck up" and I did. I had called my brother Jim because I had to talk to someone. He did not answer because he was away somewhere. So I talked to Jean. She listened and comforted me. I could feel her hugging me through the phone. I will always be thankful for that call.
I knew everything she was telling me already, but I needed to hear it anyway.
Anyway, I just wanted to write to you and to say how much you are still loved and thought about. The next week will be difficult to get through, but we will go on. We will go on because we have to go on. We still need to care for your big brother Hunter and your new little sister Penelope. We will tell Penny all about you so that she can love you too. I wish you could meet her. She is adorable, as Hunter used to say about you. He would say adodble. He would kiss your cheeks or forehead all the time. He now kisses Penelope that way. He plasters her with kisses. She never needs her face washed anymore, lol.
I had better stop writing now or this will become a book.
We LOVE you so much Ava.
We MISS you so much too.
Be Happy up in Heaven...okay?
I will tell Tyler that I know you are.
Goodbye for now little sweetie.
Love Grandma Kate
Update to you, Ava
Hi Sweetie. Grandma Kate still misses you so much. I am very blessed though. I am so lucky to have SO many beautiful photos of you everywhere. We will never forget you, that is for sure. I will write more to you tomorrow. I am very tired tonight. I just wanted you to know how much I am missing you tonight. We had our Thanksgiving Day meal with Jessie and Chris and girls. Grandpa June was there too. He would/did really love you so much too. I think a bit of his Heart died when he found out there was something wrong with you. It happens when a child is born not perfect. It makes us take a look at Life in a new way. We understand a bit more how fragile Life can be. How it hangs in the Balance of things. We should have lost you on day one. You should not have even survived to be born. Mother Nature did not help you grow right. I guess it is unfair to blame Mother Nature. She had nothing to do with the genetics of our families. There was just something wrong with the way the things came together. I know one thing. You never could have been loved any more than you were. Everyone who met you fell in love with you wholeheartedly. I miss the feel of your soft curly hair. The girls have that same hair. Yours was a bit more red, but the curls were the same. We saved some of your hair, I am glad of that. I had forgotten that when I was a little girl, I had long curly hair too. Until my Mom cut it off and gave me a perm. I still have some curl to it when it dries at night, or I don't put conditioner on it. Your Aunt Jesse had very pretty curly hair when she was little too. Until I got it cut the first time. She still has curls when she sweats or is outside when it is raining. The boys in the family have curls galore too. Your Great Aunt Jean told me today that her Dad had really curly hair too. I remembered that too, when I thought about it. I so enjoyed the day at Chris and Jessie's today, as I always do. For some reason I am very comfortable there now. The feelings of having to be something I am not are gone now. I did not worry about any of that at all this time, nor the last time we went, for Ashton's Birthday. Maybe that is part of my healing. The start of my getting well. Knowing you, sweet one, taught me that most things are just not all that important when it comes down to it.
More later: Goodnight Moon little one.
More later: Goodnight Moon little one.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Dear Sweet Ava,
It has been 5 months since you left us. How the time has flown. So much has been going on. On your Birthday on August 3rd, your Mommy, Daddy, and Hunter all had a Birthday party for you, with a beautiful cake. I thought it was a nice idea, although we did not go to the party. We thought that time should be for your family alone together. It is the most difficult thing in the world losing a child. It makes people do strange, new things. I am not saying it is wrong, just saying it happens. Your Mom and Dad and Hunter have moved to an acreage. They could not stand the memories of the house in Manson without you there with them. Plus they said they have always wanted to live on an acreage. It is a lovely place with a lot of potential. I am a bit jealous. Okay, I admit it, I am a LOT jealous. I have always wanted to live on an acreage my entire life. When Grandpa Larry and I got married, we never even considered that option. How are you doing up there? I was so sad that our dear neighbor Veda has come to join you. She came to your funeral and I was so glad to have her there. It always surprised me when I would get up close to her how tiny she really was. She was short compared to me, and that rarely happens. I don't think I have even gotten over losing our other neighbor Betty. She has been gone a while now, just like Grandma Von. There are so many wonderful people who have been leaving us here on earth. Say hi to Geneva too, will you? She is a wonderful person and will be missed by so many. I had seen her not too many days before she died, walking up town for coffee. She was very healthy for her age, 94. Veda was 92 and Betty 78. Gosh I am gonna miss you all so much. I try not to think selfish thoughts about it, however. I know you are all having a blast! No more pain. No more struggle. Wonderful.
I still get sad sometimes. It is so difficult not seeing you, just looking at your pictures. Wow, do we ever have a LOT of pictures of you! I guess knowing that you would leave us any day made us take more photos than we might have otherwise.
Your Dad is learning a new job. He is probably in China by now. He was in South Korea first. Then he will come home this weekend after 2 weeks away. He still likes the job, which is great. I think your Mommy is restless in her job. They don't treat her very well. She works so many hours, that she is worn out.
As you probably know, your Mommy is going to have another baby in February. We are excited and happy and yet sad too, because it is so unfair that you are not able to be here with us. That you did not get to stay long. That you had to have so many problems. We hope that the new baby will be perfectly okay. Hunter and Grandpa think it will be a boy. I think your Mom kind of wants another girl, but will be happy with a healthy child. She has so much stress at her job, I hope that won't affect the new baby. Her next baby appointment, they will take another ultrasound. I think it is the 3rd one, where the baby almost looks like it could come right through the screen. I can't wait to see that one.
Anyway, Ava, that is all I have to say right now. I wish you were here to snuggle and hold. I remember often how cool your little arms and legs were. I remember how you peed right through your diaper on me once. It was okay, though. I know you had to go when you had to go. Nothing is wrong with that. I am hurting today thinking about you. I can't be selfish and wish you here, I know that. But, sometimes I do. I wish with all my heart that you could be here only be perfect. What were we supposed to learn from the entire thing, Ava? I swear I will never know the answer to that. Yes, I wish you were here. I always will.
Hugs n Kisses Ava
We all love you so much.
Grandma Kate
I still get sad sometimes. It is so difficult not seeing you, just looking at your pictures. Wow, do we ever have a LOT of pictures of you! I guess knowing that you would leave us any day made us take more photos than we might have otherwise.
Your Dad is learning a new job. He is probably in China by now. He was in South Korea first. Then he will come home this weekend after 2 weeks away. He still likes the job, which is great. I think your Mommy is restless in her job. They don't treat her very well. She works so many hours, that she is worn out.
As you probably know, your Mommy is going to have another baby in February. We are excited and happy and yet sad too, because it is so unfair that you are not able to be here with us. That you did not get to stay long. That you had to have so many problems. We hope that the new baby will be perfectly okay. Hunter and Grandpa think it will be a boy. I think your Mom kind of wants another girl, but will be happy with a healthy child. She has so much stress at her job, I hope that won't affect the new baby. Her next baby appointment, they will take another ultrasound. I think it is the 3rd one, where the baby almost looks like it could come right through the screen. I can't wait to see that one.
Anyway, Ava, that is all I have to say right now. I wish you were here to snuggle and hold. I remember often how cool your little arms and legs were. I remember how you peed right through your diaper on me once. It was okay, though. I know you had to go when you had to go. Nothing is wrong with that. I am hurting today thinking about you. I can't be selfish and wish you here, I know that. But, sometimes I do. I wish with all my heart that you could be here only be perfect. What were we supposed to learn from the entire thing, Ava? I swear I will never know the answer to that. Yes, I wish you were here. I always will.
Hugs n Kisses Ava
We all love you so much.
Grandma Kate
Monday, July 2, 2012
Hi again, dear Ava. Today was a very sad and difficult day for me. Our neighbor Veda went to Heaven. Have you met her yet? I bet you have. I bet you had coffee and cookies with her already. Has she held you on her lap and talked to you yet? I know it will be difficult taking turns with her and Great Grandma LaVonne and Grandma Irene. I bet they pass you back and forth. I miss you. I miss that soft feeling your skin always had. I miss holding you, even when you peed on me. I don't miss that darned old feeding tube and those other machines and gunk that you needed to stay with us. I am glad you no longer will need them anymore. You are free to run and play and to see what you are doing. I bet Great Grandma LaVonne is happy to see you. Say hi to her from me, okay? I still miss her so much. I miss going to the phone and calling her, just to see how her day was going. I am very tired and sad tonight. Even though I know that Veda and you and Grandma are happier now than you have ever been, and feel no more pain or disease. Still I miss you all so much. I am so glad I have Grandpa Larry and my Dad, Papa June, and your Mommy, Jesse and Jodee and their families. I am glad to have your Mommy visit us so often. We love taking care of your big brother Hunter often. He is such a wonderful boy. He is growing up so fast, though. He has had to. He lost some "baby" time because you came to be with us and needed extra attention. Psst, I bet you already know this, but you are going to be a big sister now too! We don't know whether it will be a boy or a girl, but Mommy Lacey is expecting sometime in February. We are so excited. Scared too, but we are learning to let that go. We know that the odds are that everything will be okay with the new baby. At least we hope so. If not, we know what to do! I better stop this letter and go to bed. I feel very tired and forlorn. I know I will feel better soon, but tonight I just want to feel sad. I may even cry a little while. Please say hello to all of the people we know up there in Heaven. There are so many leaving earth and going up there recently. I feel older and older, but normal too. I know that I am very blessed and that I am so lucky to have such good family here on earth to love me. You take care and keep on singing and dancing! I love you, sweet Ava. Goodnight! Grandma Kate loves you deeply.
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